Wow! Does a day get any better than this? We are now the proud owners of new Healthcare Insurance. How many times have you been in a situation where you want to make a purchase and you suddenly realize you are working harder to spend your money with the store/institution than they are working to earn it? In this World where companies live and die by their customer growth (and the retention of them) it is baffling when one does not receive a World class experience from start to finish! In the case of our quest for health insurance it was like paying a ton of cash for a cruise and upon arriving finding there was no one to welcome you and there would be no entertainment, no food, and no fun until the last day…possibly! However, I was determined to understand the detail around my coverage before I dived out to get something enhanced or augmented. We did not get a welcome package in the mail, just an email to say my credit card had been hit for $826+. I realized the gun had just gone off for the next 30 days and we were looking at $27.53 a day! The conclusion was, I should either have something looked at or cancel the coverage and enjoy five Starbucks Caramel Macchiato’s a day for the next month! Opting for the less sensible path I booked an appointment for a physical exam with a new doctor. Being 45 years old and knowing what I should expect at the physical I dreamed of a doctor with hands like the guy on the ‘Burger King’ commercial. Hands so small he can’t even wrap them round a burger bun. Of course that was not the case. However, my wife sympathetically reminds me every year “Oh stop you’re whining, how would you like to have a watermelon come out of you?” Well, my answer of course is, “I wouldn’t”. Why she always compares my uncomfortable experience of a doctor’s thumb up my bum to large pieces of fruit has always been one of the mysteries of our marriage. However, I have always assumed she is referring to childbirth and after being by her side as she is crushing my hand and making the video camera wobble I am in 100% agreement.
That does of course bring my mind racing back to my Vasectomy in 1999. I obviously thought it was important to have it before Y2K for some reason. I remember being a little sad that Brenna did not attend the event with me. I mean I was there to hold her hand for the delivery of our sons, the least she could do is hold my whatsit for my procedure! However, after she slowed the car and pushed me out while still moving past the Urologists’ office she took off. I shuffled up to the front desk in the waiting room, signed in and they gave me a pamphlet and asked me to read it before the ‘BIG SNIP & BURN’. The place was full of people. I dutifully held the pamphlet up and started reading. After a while I noticed I was getting some interesting and sympathetic looks from other people in there. This is when I realized that in large red font across the top of the pamphlet was the word ‘VASECTOMY’. I buried my head and finished reading even though I was slightly distracted and very self conscious at that point. This is when I read the following direction, ‘After 2-3 weeks of abstinence (at least 20 ejaculations) you must return for testing’. Some of the best laughs I have ever had have been in places where it would be inappropriate to laugh and this was one of them. However, tears of mirth started to pour down my face as I did all I could to stop myself loosing it. Then I realized my fellow patients were now observing a man about to place his Todger under the knife and now looked like couldn’t hold back his fear or sadness for the event. This acted as a catalyst for my uncontrollable laughter and I literally had to leave the office for a while. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the office staff witnessing what they thought was a patient fleeing the scene. After pulling myself together I went back in and was walked straight back to see the doctor. He asked if I had any questions and I had to ask. “Doctor, it maybe because I’m British, but I’m not sure if I can fulfill the request over a 2 to 3 week period described in point C on page two”. To that he corrected me that it read ‘2 to 3 months’! With that settled I was led to the slaughter, and I will say this; since late 1999 I have been calmer, not strayed off, and I’ve stopped chewing sneakers & slippers in the home! I highly recommend it!
(Mark)
